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Archive for March, 2012

Chicken-n-Dumplings

As part of my Anti-Resume, I want to make it clear that I’ll never work at a chicken farm or wring or chop chicken necks for a living. I don’t know how chickens are treated in a chicken factory/farm. I’d prefer to be an egg collector over a chicken killer. I have collected eggs, so I have some experience in egg collection.

This rooster crows at daybreak. I hated hearing him crow and seeing the night turn to morning. Sleeping was such a problem for me and the rooster did not help matters. He reminded me I hadn’t slept. He didn’t wake me up to a bright new morning or fresh eggs or bacon or toast or orange juice. He reminded me I was  strung out on a caffeine high from Coca-Cola and burnt out on nicotine from cigarettes and not sleeping. I was reminded I’m a zombie when I heard the rooster crow at 5am and I was still playing World of Warcraft.

I never saw the rooster. He was in a homemade chicken coop covered with a blue plastic tarp in my neighbor’s backyard. I hated my neighbor too for keeping a rooster.

Today is the Vernal Equinox and it’s not surprising that the rooster and chickens are strolling in my back driveway where I live.

This funny looking white chicken is one of the rooster’s concubine! I don’t hate her since all she seems to do is peck and make slightly annoying chicken sounds looking for a bug or worm in the grass and dirt. She reminds me of a bunny-chicken with her fluffy white feathers.

Only a demon possessed chicken could turn his head around like that,  (like the girl in the Exorcist movie)  and scratch his own back with his beak  like he does.  Rooster is possessive of those chickens. He has spurs on his ankles and I don’t know if he would attack me if I threw a rock at him for crowing all those times I tried to go to sleep when he was trying to wake everyone up .

I’ve seen a person swing a rooster by the neck in the air and how the neck stretches like a rubber band and kills the rooster.  I’ve also seen how to pluck a rooster’s feathers after dipping a dead rooster into a pot of boiling water over an outdoor fire. Chicken-n-dumplings are pretty good.

  • I just personally don’t want to wring chicken necks for a living.
  • I don’t know how to keep barnyard animals happy in the city.
  • I will never be a veterinarian.
  • I will never work for the SPCA.
  • I don’t know anything about the science of chickens or supplying the market with chickens like Perdue does.
  • I never wanted to work at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
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I’d like to meet  artificial intelligence. I’d ask it to answer a  Ray Bradbury question…how do you explain to an alien what Santa Claus means?  Could I empathize with Artificial Intelligence? Could I really feel what it feels like to be an artificial intelligence inside a machine? I f I could empathize with a machine it would be different than me empathizing with a Hereford cow. I have made milk in my breasts and felt my breasts were hard and needed to be milked or sucked. Also,  I imagine a cow chewing grass in their cud might be like chewing bubble gum until there is just no sugar or bubble remaining. I don’t know why cows have 2 stomachs.  Cows are probably not executed by lethal injection which is most humane in my opinion.  I would not want learn how to inject a cow with poision or bash in a cow’s brain to supply restaurants and supermarkets with beef.  What if Artificial Intelligence could empathize with me?

  • I have talked to Eliza, artificial intelligence.
  • I never felt close or warm to metal or plastic.
  • In 3 rd grade I rejected anything man-made.
  • I may not ever learn how to ask artificial intelligence the best questions.
  • I don’t know how to create artificial intelligence.

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What do Cuckoo Clocks & Speech Recogition have in common?

Cuckoo clocks are an amusing novelty, but the detail of what goes into making them work does not interest me. Tedium and microscopes must be involved. I’m not patient enough to work with small parts or tweezers or tiny little hammers, screwdrivers, punches or tiny magnifying glasses.

My mother had a Cuckoo Clock and it had heavy pine cones made of iron suspended on chains to somehow wind the clock. (She could also Yodel and did frequently.) I never understood how to wind a cuckoo clock by pulling some of the chains. On the hour,  a Cuckoo bird  came out of the doors  onto a platform and made a cuckoo sound.  A toy. A novelty. Maybe some cuckoo clocks are made by craftsmen with exacting precision. I see novelty in them.

I hate novelty more than anything, because novelty feels like my childhood. I did buy a few novelty Furbies to experience artificial intelligence. Furbies were not articial intelligence. They could not hold a conversation.  Furbies were not as smart as parrots who talk and who will peck you and fly into a fit if you put your hand in it’s cage. What a disappointment! Furbies were the beginning of speech recognition though I think. Teddy Ruxpin was also before his time in the field of speech recognition.

Speech recognition  and artificial intelligence both interest me.

  • I don’t know how speech recognition works.
  • I don’t know anything about articial intelligence.
  • I never learned about robotics.
  • I don’t know how-to program a computer to convert sounds into math.
  • I don’t want to know anything about cuckoo clock making.

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Anti-Resume

This opposite of a resume  is a compilation of :

  • What I don’t know.
  • Skills I never learned.
  • Experiences I have not had.
  • Jobs and industry I’m not familiar with.
  • Dreams and aspirations that were never important and I don’t think about.

You are own your own waking up to an alarm clock and punching a clock and watching the clock and making clocks.  A rooster is my nemesis.–C.S. Crutchfield

First example of what I don’t know:

Clockmaking

  1. Wheels and gears in a box that move the big hand and little hand and even the second hand on a so-called face don’t interest me.
  2. Why is a third, skinny hand called a second hand when there is really a long hand for minutes and a wider hand for the hour.
  3. Now I understand the second hand is no secondhand at all, but a hand that counts the notches of a second.
  4. Gears still do not interest me.
  5. The sound of a clock ticking  annoys me.
  6. Time is passing and I still haven’t figured out what I need to figure out.
  7. Time is in the air. I don’t need a clock to tell time.
  8. Why does a clock tick.
  9. Clocks must tick because a gear moving the hand that measures seconds is also turning the long minute hand in ticks.
  10. Seconds transform the gear of revolution into a minute.
  11. Minutes cause the revolution of an hour.
  12. Hours are measured on another device I don’t know much about and don’t have any interest in.
  13. The clock below is on my wall and does not make coffee. *disclaimer clock is highly stylized and represents the unlikelihood of a cup of coffee. See the section on Cuckoo Clocks.

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